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Trust develops gradually over time in relationships, but we're often asked how to speed the process along. It's a valid question. These strategies offer the fastest route to trusting interactions.
1. Listen to Everything. Force yourself to listen and paraphrase. Get what the other person is trying to say. If you can't say it back in a way that has the speaker replying, "Yes, that's it, that's exactly what I'm saying," you haven't listened.
2. Empathize (for Real). Listening and paraphrasing let the other person know that he or she has been heard. But has he or she been understood? There's that nagging doubt until some form of empathetic statement is heard. You don't have to agree with what the other person says; you simply have to understand it.
Whenever you find yourself thinking, "This guy's an idiot," immediately ask yourself, "Why does he believe this? Where's he coming from? What happened to cause him to think this way?" You have to work hard at understanding other people. You must:
- Listen to where they're coming from.
- Understand where they're coming from.
- Acknowledge that you understand where they're coming from.
Anyone who understands us has earned the right to engage in discussion and to be heard in return, even to argue with us. Anyone who empathizes with us has earned the right to disagree with us and still have our respect, greatly increasing the odds of changing our minds.
3. Note What They're Feeling. A purely emotional skill, this takes but a moment, but the payback is instant. Its only drawback is it feels risky. But its risk is far less than we think.
Jeswald Salacuse (in The Art of Advice) says that to be a good adviser we have to pay attention to three things in every conversation: our client's words and actions (we would include feelings), our own words and actions (and feelings), and our client's reaction to our words and actions.
This can feel complex, but it can be easy. All it takes is a valid observation and a few words spoken from the heart. Examples: "You really look excited today! What's going on?" Or, leaning forward, "Joe, you seem distracted; something happening?"
The most powerful versions of this come from acknowledging a feeling about the other person, as well as our own feelings, if it is done with care. The same is true, though slightly less so, for observing feelings in third parties (e.g., "Joe seems a little listless lately; did his review upset him?").
4. Build that Shared Agenda. We can think of nothing easier than to practice the technique of a shared agenda. It may not yield the highest payoff, but it is the easiest thing to do. Whether you're in a formal or informal meeting, on the phone, or in a large or small group, always start by sharing your idea of an agenda for the meeting and openly (and sincerely) asking the client to add his or her ideas to the agenda. It gives you immediate data, it models for the client the truth of your "we-not-me" attitude, and it creates buy-in.
5. Take a Point of View, for Goodness' Sake! It feels very risky to go out on a limb with an idea or perspective when you are not entirely sure of it because it involves personal risk. The truth is, it is extremely useful to our clients for us to be able to articulate a point of view, even if it ends up being rejected, or even wrong! There are two reasons: It stimulates reactions, and it crystallizes issues. Stating a point of view serves as a catalyst, a way of helping the client think.
Learn to express a point of view with a simple, emotional framing phrase such as: "Now let me just float a trial balloon here" or "This is probably not where we'll end up, but..." or "Hey, who knows where this might go, but it occurs to me that...."
6. Take a Personal Risk. Personal risk is when we feel we are putting a piece of ourselves "out there," revealing something about ourselves, becoming to some extent emotionally naked. We fear being ridiculed, or failing, or losing respect or any of a thousand forms of emotional loss. Intimacy is the act of risking that personal loss. It doesn't have to be private. It just has to be personal. To risk something personal is to say that we are willing to increase the level of intimacy. It may or may not be reciprocated, but it's worth the attempt.
7. Ask About a Related Area. Most professions specialize and tend to focus on the issues and information relevant to the assignment at hand. But by doing so, they are potentially failing in their professional obligation to the client to notice and point out opportunities for improvement. Advisers who are willing to notice things outside their particular realm of expertise (and to naturally express that interest) make an impression on the client. The impression is that such advisers care because, in fact, they do.
If your curiosity about the client's business has increased dramatically, this is a good sign; it means you care. You can be sure that articulating your questions to the client will be perceived as such.
8. Ask Great Questions. Open-ended questions force you to not prejudge what you are hearing, either by biasing the speaker, or by enforcing artificial categories. The objective is to hear what the speaker has to say in the speaker's own terms.
The emotional subtext of open-ended questions is one of respect; the listener pays the speaker the respect of allowing the speaker to set the frames of reference: his world view, the sense of what is important and what isn't, what came first and what comes later, what is cause and what is effect.
9. Give Away Ideas. David Nadler, CEO of Delta Consulting, is a fan of this technique:
"I'm not just a reflective psychotherapist who keeps saying, 'I understand, that must be tough.' That's a useful technique, but you've got to marry it to solutions. An idea that I got from one of our people is the technique of responding with three to five ideas -- kind of idea generating. With an intro like 'These ideas might be wild and off the mark, but let's think about....'"
The conclusions many advisers draw are that they must be careful about giving away the store. First, they feel that the store is limited in nature. Second, it would hardly do to have the client discover that there is a limit to the store. Worst of all, it would be disastrous to have the client discover not only that the store is limited but that we have mastered only a part of it!
The truth is, expertise is like love: not only is it unlimited, you destroy it only by not giving it away. Love for a child is not cut in half with the birth of a second child. And expertise is not to be confused with what can be scanned into a database. The human capacity for problem redefinition and creativity is what a successful adviser brings to every situation. It is unlimited; it only gets better with practice.
10. Return Calls Unbelievably Fast. Stephanie Wethered, an Episcopal priest, does this. She tries to return calls within 10 minutes. She says it's the most trust-creating thing she does; no one expects it, and it demonstrates how much she values the other person.
11. Relax Your Mind. Here is a simple exercise for calming the stress before entering a stress-inducing environment such as a critical meeting. The purpose of this exercise is to temporarily cleanse your mind of internal distraction by spending some time concentrating your attention purely on a piece of wisdom.
"Some time" might mean 60 seconds at bedtime. It might mean several minutes in front of a keyboard or with a pencil, writing about what the wisdom means. Or it might mean talking out loud to oneself in the car for a few minutes before the client phone call or meeting.
Here is a list of such "sayings" built around key precepts of this book. Think about only one at a time. The others will wait for another day.
It's about the client.
Who am I thinking about?
What is the client feeling about this?
The answer is a better question.
The problem is rarely what the client said it was at first.
I am not the center of the universe.
Who am I serving by my present approach?
Assigning blame will trap me; taking responsibility will empower me.
It's a "we" game, not a "me" game.
What am I afraid of here?
Knowing the truth is better than not knowing it.
You can hope for what might be, but don't wish for what can't be.
A point of view doesn't commit you for life.
Don't ever, ever tell a lie or even shade the truth.
More Tips
Notice a feeling in yourself and comment on it.
Make a commitment and then deliver on it -- not overdeliver or underdeliver, just deliver.
Don't answer a question the first time the client asks it; ask for clarification.
Say something revealing about yourself, but not manipulatively.
Make a facial expression of empathy, even if it's just scrunching up your face and saying "ouch" in an appropriate setting.
Reach out to notice, and acknowledge, something that has been held back in or about the other person.
Top Things to Remind Yourself Of
I don't have to prove myself every 10 seconds.
I have a right to be here in this room; I can add value without worrying about it.
Shut up and repeat again and again: "Really? And then what happened?"
Also again and again: "Gee, what's behind that?"
Is my pulse racing? Why? Why not say so, and say why, out loud?
Have I earned the right yet to give an answer?
Am I trying in any way to win an argument? Turn it back into a conversation.
Emulate Lt. Columbo: "I may be a little slow here. Maybe it's just me, but...."
Take responsibility for the emotional outcome.
Don't blame anybody for anything anytime.
More value is added through problem definition than through answers to problems.
Just because the client asks a question doesn't mean that's the right question to answer.
Don't be insecure. Say to yourself: "Hey, if I don't know the answer, and I'm a pro, then this is a really neat question; lets get into it!"
Is my tummy telling me something's wrong? My tummy's right. Let's talk about it.
Two Final Suggestions
Call your client, now!
Tell your romantic partner how much he or she is appreciated. Do it today!
From THE TRUSTED ADVISOR by David H. Maister, Charles H. Green and Robert M. Galford. Copyright 2000 by David H. Maister, Charles H. Green and Robert M. Galford. Reprinted by permission of The Free Press, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
